As besties, John and I are shameless when discussing any number of personal topics, including: penis size, political party affiliation, personal hygiene, irrational fears, regional tricking patterns, body image, stool abnormalities, annual salary, weight, Taco Bell orders, current top/bottom preference, lube toots, and masturbatory habits, among others.
“What exactly do you say?” I wondered. “Do you like command them to do stuff or just narrate?” He chuckled and shrugged, saying “I just kind of cheer on the performance.” I screwed up my face like I was creeped out, which I really wasn’t. I was more intrigued than anything. “Like, what do you say? Give me an example.” He rolled his eyes and suddenly seemed self-aware. “I don’t know,” he said. He made a fist and mimed jacking-off. “Something like, ‘Aww yeah, pound that little bitch. He likes that.’” I stared at him with my mouth open. “Oh dear,” I said. “Do you say it in your normal voice, or do you make yourself sound all deep and rough to intimidate everybody?” He rocked his head back and laughed a little. “Deep voice.”
Full disclosure: I have my own weirdness when it comes to porn viewership. First off, I have a deep, severe fear that I will see someone I used to date in a video. Although I’m not really doing anything to avoid it, it’s usually in the back of my mind. On the other hand, if an actor looks enough like an exboyfriend, I’ll stick with it and project all my unresolved issues onto him — imaging that my surrogate ex fell on hard times and has resorted to bareback on-camera fornication so he can pay for hair school. The only way this works is by knowing it’s not really him. If it really was him, I’m not sure if my brain or my dick could handle it. But I’m pretty sure I would just beat-off anyway.
While John vocalizes his experiences, I internalize them. I watch people have sex and I wonder who they are in real life. And I find it difficult to focus on anything else. I question their motivations and what their loved ones think about it, if their loved ones know at all. It's more about the angles and less about the morality. For me, theorizing about who the actor really is gives the viewing experience some dimension.
I few years back, on a trip to Dallas, I hooked-up with an up-and-coming porn star. I didn’t know he did porn at the time, but I learned shortly after when he told me so. These days, he’s kind of unbelievably famous — like one of the most famous gay porn stars on the planet. The kicker is that he and I are Facebook friends, which complicates things for me because I’ve seen him do unspeakable things with an immeasurable amount of people and I’ve also seen him at his cousin’s birthday party and taking selfies with his grandmother in the hospital. His Facebook says he works at Olan Mills Portrait Studio and every time I come across one of his adult videos, I imagine him picking up Subway on his lunch break before hurrying back to work to find the appropriate lighting for a newborn and show some stuck-up high school senior a bunch of glossy proofs. His Facebook also says he attends the University of Texas at Arlington, which forces me to picture him in some big lecture hall surrounded by a hundred or so bored General Studies majors who are also ignoring the lecture. Do they know that he has more than 30,000 Twitter followers? Do they know he caused a stir at the 2012 Grabby Award for blowing someone on stage? And if so, do they talk amongst themselves about him? Do they have difficulty not picturing him naked? Are they mean to him? Also, what's his family like? I mean, I've seen pictures of them, but I want more. I want to know if his mom really knows where he goes when he jets off to Los Angeles for the weekend. I want to know how far his money is going and if he keeps his job at Olan Mills simply for appearances. And I often wonder if anyone in his family has found the courage to Google his name.
It's got to be difficult to get the image of someone familiar having sex out of your mind once you've witnessed it. I bet it's tough to see anything else when you look at him or her. I'm only speculating, of course. It just fascinates me. In the same why I'm enamored by Fundamentalist Mormons and people who wear Tweety Bird jean jackets, so am I with the personal lives of adult film stars. I doubt I'll ever find out for myself what it's like firsthand, but you never know. Plus, tax season is upon us and I'm pretty sure I'm going to owe something outrageous so I plan on keeping my income options open, and if need be, other things too.
While John vocalizes his experiences, I internalize them. I watch people have sex and I wonder who they are in real life. And I find it difficult to focus on anything else. I question their motivations and what their loved ones think about it, if their loved ones know at all. It's more about the angles and less about the morality. For me, theorizing about who the actor really is gives the viewing experience some dimension.
I few years back, on a trip to Dallas, I hooked-up with an up-and-coming porn star. I didn’t know he did porn at the time, but I learned shortly after when he told me so. These days, he’s kind of unbelievably famous — like one of the most famous gay porn stars on the planet. The kicker is that he and I are Facebook friends, which complicates things for me because I’ve seen him do unspeakable things with an immeasurable amount of people and I’ve also seen him at his cousin’s birthday party and taking selfies with his grandmother in the hospital. His Facebook says he works at Olan Mills Portrait Studio and every time I come across one of his adult videos, I imagine him picking up Subway on his lunch break before hurrying back to work to find the appropriate lighting for a newborn and show some stuck-up high school senior a bunch of glossy proofs. His Facebook also says he attends the University of Texas at Arlington, which forces me to picture him in some big lecture hall surrounded by a hundred or so bored General Studies majors who are also ignoring the lecture. Do they know that he has more than 30,000 Twitter followers? Do they know he caused a stir at the 2012 Grabby Award for blowing someone on stage? And if so, do they talk amongst themselves about him? Do they have difficulty not picturing him naked? Are they mean to him? Also, what's his family like? I mean, I've seen pictures of them, but I want more. I want to know if his mom really knows where he goes when he jets off to Los Angeles for the weekend. I want to know how far his money is going and if he keeps his job at Olan Mills simply for appearances. And I often wonder if anyone in his family has found the courage to Google his name.
It's got to be difficult to get the image of someone familiar having sex out of your mind once you've witnessed it. I bet it's tough to see anything else when you look at him or her. I'm only speculating, of course. It just fascinates me. In the same why I'm enamored by Fundamentalist Mormons and people who wear Tweety Bird jean jackets, so am I with the personal lives of adult film stars. I doubt I'll ever find out for myself what it's like firsthand, but you never know. Plus, tax season is upon us and I'm pretty sure I'm going to owe something outrageous so I plan on keeping my income options open, and if need be, other things too.
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