Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Exy Awards

Hello and welcome to the inaugural Exy Awards. We’re here to honor those brave men who made a significant impact on me [and my private parts] in 2013. Now please take your seats and stop eye-fucking one another. The least you can do is wait until the ceremony is over before you start rimming in the aisles. We don’t need the lovely Hilton staff who cleans the Peachtree Ballroom to discover your used condoms after we’ve all gone home, right? I’m just teasing. Condoms are for cowards.

[Hold for applause.]

Well let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we? Our first Exy of the evening is for Fastest Drive-By Hook-Up and that goes to Bald Guy With Pelvis Tattoo who was passing though Lafayette on his way to New Orleans after a weekend at Austin City Limits. You didn’t say a whole lot and then you bailed immediately after. Good job.

Most Drastic Grindr Picture/Real Life Discrepancy goes to Guy Who Picked Me Up From F&M’s That One Night. You looked nothing like your picture, but I was blackout hammered and queasy from eating cheese fries so I just wanted to sleep. Also, thank you for bringing me back home the next morning. Sorry I didn’t talk to you for the entire 45-minute drive.

The Oh C’mon Really? Exy goes to Guy Who Refused To Take Off His Spanx During Sex. Bruh, lighten up and burn that silly thing. I’m sure it’s not that bad underneath. And if it is that bad, start running around the block and stop eating chips.

Most Fumbly Threesome goes to Couple I Met After A David Sedaris Book Signing. I didn’t know what was going on and then you got in a huge fight about whose idea it was. No one enjoyed it, especially me. So I hid in the guest bedroom and fell asleep to the sounds of you both crying. This award should have gone to Horny Baton Rouge Couple, but they’ve got their system on lock. You could learn a thing or two from them. They really know how to bone a stranger together.

The Exy for Best Sex Playlist goes to Jewish Guy. Because nothing goes better with lounge chair intercourse than the sweet, melodious sounds of The Weepies.

Most Regrettable Hook-Up is a tie. The first recipient is Guy With Foot Fetish. I can overlook the fact that you smoke more weed than Rihanna at a planetarium. But I draw the line at foot-sucking. I fully support your right to sexual freedom, but that doesn’t make the bad memories go away. You share your award with White Guy With Black Baby Mama. We shouldn’t have done what we did. Now I’m always looking over my shoulder, terrified that someone is going to pull my hair.

The Exy for Douchiest Bro goes to Bisexual Divorce Attorney. You invited me to a party at your friend’s house and then you picked me last for your flip-cup team in front of everyone. Who does that?

Our next award is for Worst First Date and that goes to the 19-year-old Singer/Gymnast From Monroe whose grandmother had a heart attack while we were browsing an art opening. At first, I thought you were just lying to me because you wanted to leave, but turns out you were telling the truth. Sorry for your loss.

Best First Date goes to Unhappy Softball Player. You picked me up at home, we had dinner at Capdeville, and then we went to play in the Warehouse District — all of which you arranged. I kissed you in the street and it was like a scene from a movie where one person dies of terminal illness at the end. You and I would never have worked out, but I’m glad we can still be friends. Send me a nude. Cool?

The Exy for Best Name goes to Mike Jones, who wins by a cosmic margin.

Exboyfriend of the Year goes to Jacob. It was basically a race between you and Hairdresser from Lake Charles, but he went off the deep when we broke-up and yelled at me in front of Agave, so you win by default. One of the things I liked most about you, Jacob, is that I never had to amp up the masculinity around you like I might for another guy. The way I walked and talked was completely unaffected in your presence. From the moment we met it was instant comfort. We had very little in common, but we always had something to talk about. Plus, your skin smelled like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

And finally, the last Exy of the evening is The Sparky Award. The Sparky is given to the person who made me most profoundly feel that little spark that ignites in my chest, brain, and genitals. Maybe it’s love. Meh. That person is Tall Asshole From North Louisiana Who Had A Boyfriend The Whole Time. I’ll see you in hell.

In fact, I'll see all of you in hell. Congratulations!

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