Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Why I'm Not Hard

I’m sorry. I think I'm just distracted. The TV is on. I paused it when we first started hooking up, but now there’s a static shot of Tina Belcher glaring at us from across the room. Let me just find the remote. Where’s the damn remote?! Fuck it. I’ll just get up. Okay, then. We should be good to go.

Whoa, stud. That feels really good. You’re so hot. Just like that. Yeah.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Not working. It’s like you’re gargling a jellyfish.

It’s got to be the ceiling fan, which is blowing around like a hurricane. I can’t really get a bone when I’m chilly. Let me just pop up and take care of that.

Well now that I’m standing, can I grab you a bottle of water? I’m a little dehydrated, myself. WAIT! That’s got to be it! We’ve been drinking all night. That’s why I can’t get hard!

Just let me grab a water and a couple of Advil and I’ll be solid as a rock in a couple minutes. Did you say you wanted some water? Vitamin or classic? 

Alright, alright. Let’s give this another shot.

BUT FIRST, do you mind if I take a piss? I’d hate for me to finally chub up and then pee a little on you. Unless you’re into that? No? Okay, then I’ll just be a moment.

I’m back! Daddy’s home. Sorry, I don’t know why I said that. You’re older than me. You probably remember the Challenger explosion, right? Oof, I’m sorry. I’m not really on my A-game right now. This whole boner thing is throwing me off my axis. Let’s just get back into it and see what happens. Thank you for being so patient and so attractive.

Okay, buddy. Here we go.


Son of a bitch! It’s like trying to stuff a dinner roll into a Coke bottle. I apologize. I'm really trying my best here. I'm looking at you, and you're gorgeous, and on paper, this shouldn't be a problem at all. For Christ's sake, look at your body! It’s like you were built by Ryan Murphy!

Alright, look. I've got a lot on my mind right now; the presidential race and whatnot. Plus, I’m worried I’m not getting enough calcium. Also, what if someone asks me about my position on “Black Lives Matter?” I’m not prepared for that! And last night, instead of going to the gym, I ate between nine and twelve Girl Scout Cookies in this bed. Because life is all about choices. And I will always choose Samoas over sit-ups! I'm a vaguely chubby trainwreck and I don't like the way you're looking at me right now. You're making my dick turtle back into my body. Please! Look the other way! This is so humiliating!

HOLD ON! Three months ago, I dropped off a pair of Banana Republic slacks at the dry cleaners and haven't yet gotten around to picking them up. That's got to be it! Somewhere in my subconscious, the guilt over leaving my pants in the care of that lonely old Laotian man is tugging at me. And now I can't get an erection.

That’s definitely it!

Alright, you hang out for a minute and I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere. I’m just running out to the cleaners at 2AM to grab those slacks. I might be a few hours, so if you get bored, feel free to leave. Maybe we'll see each other in the future, but I'm moving to a small village outside of Prague in the morning, so you probably won't hear from me or see me around ever again. And please don't tell anyone about what happened here tonight because I want the local gay community to remember me fondly.

Farewell, champ. Help yourself to a cocktail on the way out.

Make yourself something stiff.

I'm sorry. I'll be going now.