Wit's End's Epilogue

There were two good things to come out of my 9 month, on-again, off-again relationship with Wit's End. The first was my James Avery engagement ring. The second was my Banana Republic Spouse Discount Card.

He'd bought the ring after the first three months of our relationship, but it wasn't given to me until six months after that. We'd broken up after his impromptu move to Houston, but then tried to work it out over the course of several weeks. He is the first and only person with whom I've entertained the thought of marriage. And he felt the same way about me. Wit's End told me when he bought the ring, but he never let me see it. He would keep it in his pocket most of the time, knowing that I'd go snooping around if he wasn't guarding it on his person.

After a draining, disorienting few months of  struggling with the five hours of distance between us, things began to fall apart. And then he made a choice that would brake me.

Wit's End moved from Houston to Portland in November of last year. With three time zones between us, we could no longer function as boyfriends. I broke up with him over the phone so I didn't have to look at his face via Skype, and prepared myself  to never look back. During our break-up compromise, (you don't call me and I won't hate you) he told me through tears that he'd put something in the mail that morning and that it was going to break my heart. He wasn't the smartest or most creative hillbilly, so I figured that his present would be a torn-out coloring book page at best. And when I hung up the phone that night, I began the process of falling out of love with Wit's End.

I was at work when the envelope arrived at my apartment. My roommate had taken in the mail and sent me a picture message of the parcel when he noticed Wit's End's name and return address. I asked a co-worker to cover my tables and sprinted out the door of the restaurant without even asking my manager if it was okay for me to leave. When I walked in the door, I saw the envelope sitting on the dining room table. And I knew what was in it before I reached for it.

I slipped the ring onto my finger and kept it there for the next few days. After that, I hid it in the bottom of my my toiletry bag and haven't seen it since. Wit's End's break-up box was ritualistically burned months ago, but the ring wasn't inside it when I soaked the box in gasoline and sparked the lighter. I'm still not really sure what to do with the little fucker. I tried sending it into OutOfYourLife.com, but it was deemed "inappropriate" break-up jewelry. So I'll keep it for now, and maybe sporadically take it out to admire the shiny silver exterior and the engraving of Wit's End's last message to his first boyfriend and future fiance, "THE FIRST. THE LAST."

During the short amount of time that we lived in the same city, Wit's End worked at the Banana Republic in our local mall. The job granted him dual discount cards; one for himself and the other for his domestic partner. I rarely ever use my card, but I had a party to go to last weekend and I desperately needed a new outfit. Knowing that it had probably been long-canceled, I decided to try my luck. You can imagine my amusement when the sales girl looked up from her computer with and gave me the expression of someone who was about to deliver devastating news. "Your Spouse Card has been canceled, sir," she stammered. I smiled and told her that it was fine and she could dispose of the card in the trash can behind the counter. And for the first time since our break-up, I felt like Wit's End's ex-boyfriend. His chapter in my book had ended, and this scene was the epilogue.

I could see it playing out in my head as I walked out of the front room at Banana Republic and into the crowded, uncomfortable walkway of the Dillard's wing of the mall. In Wit's End's epilogue, this would be the part that wraps everything up, mentions the ring and the sales girl one more time for the reader to relate everything back to the main point, and then finally comes to a close with two words that let you know that the story is really over. THE END.