The 2nd Annual Exy Awards

Hello and welcome to The 2nd Annual Exy Awards. Once again, we’re here to honor those brave men who made a significant impact on me [and my private parts] in 2014. I met my current boyfriend in March of last year, but I got it in A LOT before he showed up. So settle in and please refrain from sending emails trying to guess who’s who because I won’t respond. Unless you give me a really good reason to do so. And if you’re the recipient of an Exy, you will not be presented with a physical trophy. Your award is knowing your performance did not go unnoticed. Good or bad, you made an impression. Don’t change for no bitch.

Our first Exy of the year is for Most Fumbly Morning After and that goes to Guy With Wrist Tattoos. We’ve been friends for years and then one night we got drunk and hooked up. I tried to leave early the next morning so we wouldn’t have to face each other, but you woke up and we did that whole, “So that was weird, right?” thing. And it was.

The Modern Romantic Comedy Award goes to Guy I Met At The Backpacker. You came over and asked me if I needed help finding anything and my first thought was, “Yeah, can you help me find where to direct this boner?” But of course, I didn’t say that. Instead, I did the most cowardly thing imaginable: I went to The Backpacker’s Facebook Page, searched fans with your first name [which I knew because of your nametag], found you, added you, messaged you, and asked you out. That night, I went over to your house and we had sex. I didn’t have the balls or finesse to run game in person, but I do have a funny online personality and that’s really all I need, right?

The Oldie But Goodie Award goes to 45-Year Old Who Looked 30. You are the oldest person with whom I’ve ever hooked up. Congrats! Also, I stole your copy of Lolita off the bookshelf on my way out. I already have a copy, but taking yours felt poetic. I’m not giving it back.

Worst Sibling Award goes to Me for banging my brother’s friend. It was a dick move, and I shouldn’t have done it. And sending my brother a picture of the guy exiting my car the next morning was also a bad decision. Sorry bro. We good? Yeah, we good.

Worst Kisser goes to Guy With Boyband Hair and Tiny Mouth. Man, what a letdown. A handsome guy who kisses like a CPR dummy is the human equivalent of...

Well...

A sexy CPR dummy. And I know you’ve got a small mouth, but you should be making up for that with tongue skills. You brought nothing to the party. Plus, you made me work overtime and I don’t even do that at my real job. So many metaphors!!!

Hardest Break goes to North Louisiana Stoner. Telling you I just didn’t feel the spark wasn’t easy, but you handled it like a champ. Probably because you were super high at the time.

The Muse Award is bestowed upon those who have inspired personal essays that went on to be published in print or online in 2014. This year, the award is given to Guy I Dated For 3 Years for inspiring two pieces that were published: One in the 4th Issue of Hello Mr. Magazine and another in the 21st Issue of Gertrude Literary Journal. I turned our relationship into literature and it’s some depressing shit that people enjoy reading. I think you’re the worst, but you bring out a better writer in me. Get fucked.

The No! That's Not What I Meant! Award goes to Litigation Attorney With Chest Tattoo. When we were doing it and I said, “Spit in my mouth,” I didn’t expect you to cock back and shoot a loogie in my face. It wasn’t funny at the time, but it’s hilarious now. I’m seriously laughing at my computer thinking about it. What an asshole.

The Exy for Worst Date goes to Guy Who Wanted to Get Coffee. When you asked me to have coffee with you, I thought it was a nice idea. Then, halfway though my Mochasippi, I realized I knew you! A couple years back, when I bartended at a club downtown, you used to come in with your boyfriend and sit at my end. Your boyfriend was hot and would check me out when I tended bar in my underwear. You, on the other hand, were rude and never tipped me more than 10%. And even though I hated you, I didn’t fuck your boyfriend [even though it would have been easy]. So that’s why I never texted you back after we hugged goodbye in front of CC’s Coffee House. Because years ago I showed you clemency at a time when I could’ve fucked shit up and then you didn’t even have the decency to take me to a real restaurant for a first date. Who raised you?!

Best First Date goes to Andy Rivière. I knew halfway through breakfast at French Press there was something different about us. And I could make up a million different awards to give you (Favorite Travel Buddy, Most Romantic Outdoor Slow Dance, The I Don’t Deserve You Award), but I won’t. Instead, just know that I love you and I will continue loving you as long as you let me. You win.

Congratulations everyone! I’ll see you all in hell.