The Ex In Xmas

Dear MB,

As you may or may not have noticed, we only had sex one time in 2012. And that is a Christmas Fucking Miracle (CFM).

Bruh. We almost went an entire calendar year without doing it. Fucking A, right?! If you think I’m patronizing you, I’m not. I just never thought this would happen. I legitimately believed we were doomed to a perpetual cycle of hating and screwing one another until we died mid-fornication at the hands of a scorned boyfriend who one of us was cheating on. It was not the life I wanted, but it was the life I was prepared for. Now look at us! We haven’t seen each other’s ding-a-lings since February. I might even call my mama and tell her the good news.

Given our – let’s save some adjectives and just say rocky – relationship, I can’t believe we still live in the same city, let alone treat each other with conviviality when we bump into one another somewhere humiliating like Mel’s Diner or the tire department at Walmart. Maybe we’re growing up, and maybe we’re at a point where we can laugh about our shared past. Go on, laugh with me, bitchtits.

Yeah, we slipped. But Jesus Jet Skiing Christ, it was one time – the same number of times Amber D'Alessio made out with a hot dog! And if I’m being completely honest, I’m not 100 percent certain we even had sex-sex. I was blackout shattered. I vaguely remember shouting at you when you tried to introduce a cock ring into the mix, but I don’t remember explicit D in A. And if that’s true, then we definitely deserve a trophy or at least a gift card to Subway.

I’m proud of us, regardless. And like the enamel on my teeth, the pressure to practice self-control around you is gone. We don’t have to get into any “language of letting go” hoopla, but let’s instead just celebrate this little victory. Let’s drink to restraint, and progress, and maturity. We’re doing okay, kiddo, and although we still have couple weeks left in 2012, I think it's safe to label this The Year Of Barely Any Penetration.

And if I don’t see you again in 2013, I guess I’ll see you in hell.

Merry Christmas,
RR