Screwing Sedaris

Last Saturday, I was the featured storyteller in an improv series called Lafayette Famous. I was asked to prepare three true stories from my life to be delivered onstage, while the improvisers created scenes based on themes from each. This is the one of those true stories, written as a monologue.

Story 1: Screwing Sedaris

So one of my heroes of writing is, of course, David Sedaris (you know, like a white person). And about a year ago, he’s out promoting his new book and I find out he’s doing a signing at the Barnes & Noble in Baton Rouge. So on the day of, I leave work a little early and I head over there.

I should also mention that I am wearing some kind of western button-down, with cut-off shorts, and these really kindof ridiculous combat boots.

So I get to the B&N and I’m standing in this really long line and I’m holding my book and I’m completely by myself. And then this woman with a Manager ID badge around her neck comes over and just starts talking to me. And her name is Courtney and she’s a really nice lady, but I can’t shake that something feels a little off, like “Why are you talking to me?” So at one point she’s like, “Look, if you want to, I can get you some one-on-one time with David.” So of course I say “Of course.” And she’s like “Well after he signs your book, come around and stand by me, and I’ll introduce you more personally after.” And I’m like “Great” and then she walks off and I’m just standing there like “WHY?!”

Now, in my mind, I make the decision that David Sedaris [the internationally famous writer and memoirist], has seen me and has asked this woman to come arrange for my company. Ya know, like he wants to fuck me. Like he’s a rapper and I’m some ho. Like he goes to his own book readings and rounds up dumb, eager gays to bang. So then I start getting nervous — asking myself questions like: “Am I willing to do this?”

So he finally shows up and I’m slowly moving to the front of the line and I’m pretty much about to puke. And Courtney the manager is standing there and she winks at me and I’m like, “Fuck you for putting me in this situation.”

And then I get to the front of the line and David looks me up and down and says, “Now that’s what I’m talking about.

[LONG PAUSE]

Where on earth did you get those boots!?” And “I’m like, “…What?” and he’s like, “I absolutely love them. Do you watch RuPaul’s Drag Race?” And now I’m just struggling to keep up at this point, and I don’t even know what I’m saying because I still believe if I’m being pre-interviewed to fuck this aging literary icon. So after a while, he grabs my book and signs it and then Courtney grabs me and pulls me off to this side and she’s like, “Wait here with me.”

I’m sweating through my shirt and thinking: “This was not on my bucket list. And I don’t want my hero to use me like this.” So I tell her “I’m gotta take a piss.” And then I walk right past this long line of people and I head right out the door and I’m practically sprinting through the parking lot and this gay guy is getting out his car and he yells, “HEY! WHAT WAS HE LIKE?!”

And I yell back, “HE’S HORNY!” And get in my car and I drive back to Lafayette.