Meeting Audrey

Last Saturday, I was the featured storyteller in an improv series called Lafayette Famous. I was asked to prepare three true stories from my life to be delivered onstage, while the improvisers created scenes based on themes from each. This is the one of those true stories, written as a monologue.

Story 3: Meeting Audrey

I recently became a godfather and I’d like to tell you story about the first time I met my goddaughter, Audrey.

My cousin Lauren was due on October 24th and she lives in New Orleans, so I made sure that I was in town for that entire weekend. Well, the due date comes and goes and the nurses tell her that they’re just going to induce the following Tuesday.

So Saturday morning, my best friend John tells me he has an extra ticket to this big Halloween Party called Hell’s Gala that night. So I’m like “Yeah, I really really want to come, but my cousin was having contractions earlier and I should just check in with her and make sure the baby isn’t coming tonight.” So I call Lauren and she says, I’m here at the hospital but they might send me home because my contractions aren’t nearly close enough together.” So I took that as, “Go ahead and party.”

So I dress up as a slice of pepperoni pizza and I paint my face with little olives and pepperonis and me and John go out. And we have a long history of pushing our night to the max where we fit everything possible into one night and we will drink like monsters and its only by the grace of God that we’re still alive—and I fucking mean that. So we go to this pre-party at this GORGEOUS loft in the warehouse district and we have a photoshoot in their copper clawfoot tub and John walks up to one of the party guests and he’s like “UM. Are you on American Horror Story?!” and I’m like “Just because she’s a black woman does not mean she’s Angela Bassett. And the woman actually tuned out to be Lynn Whitfield from the Tyler Perry movies and I was like “Well, you were close.”

We finally head out to Hell’s Gala where we make this big scene and then we grab a cab to Bourbon where run into my friend Travis. And this is where things get hazy.

The next thing I remember is sitting in a cab at 3:30AM and looking down at my phone to see 26 missed calls and a text that reads, “she’s here!” So I flip OUTTTTTT and I tell the driver to drive faster and I get to my car, and I drive all the way to Ochsner in Metairie and throw the car into park right on the street and I’m sprinting down hallways, screaming “LABOR AND DELIVERY!” And somehow, I find my family in one of the waiting rooms and I run over and I’m sweating and they’re just staring at me. And that’s when I realize I’m still dressed up like a slice of pizza. And everyone is laughing at me. So my aunt Lisa comes out from the back and ushers me into this dimly lit room where there’s this baby and I just see her and I lose it. I’m crying and I’m in love with her. And I’m promising to buy her a car and ponies and pay for private school and then they let me hold her and I’m kissing her and sobbing and I’m overwhelmed like I’ve never been before.

This goes on for hours. I climb into bed with Lauren and I run my fingers through her hair and I’m kissing her. And at no point does it occur to me that this behavior is odd and my parents are staring at me. And finally, at one point, I put on Dancing In The Moonlight, and I dance all over the room with this baby in my arms because I wanted to be the first person to dance with her.

And while the song is playing, my phone dings, so I check it and there’s a text from my friend Travis who I ran into earlier on Bourbon.

And it reads, “Hey man. Is that ecstasy kicking in yet?”