Thoughts I've Had During Sex

“I love laying on my back. Laying on my back has got to be one of my most favorite things to do! It’s how I eat, and it’s how I sleep, and it’s how I enjoy TV and music. Yep, this is lovely. It’s purely a bonus that my genitals are being stimulated right now. I could do this anywhere [in any state of consciousness] and feel wonderful. I could be in this exact same position on a beach! Yes indeed, with nothing but a thick, colorful towel between my bare back and the warm sand. Hell, I could even stargaze if I wanted to! Without a doubt, this is how I want to spend my golden years. Just me, horizontal, eyes to the sky. You just keep doing whatever it is you’re doing to my ding-a-ling and I’ll just lay here, making constellations with the tiny bumps in the ceiling.”

“As soon as he leaves, I’m getting tater tots.”

“Is that a poo smear?! Oh God, is that my poo smear?! Shit! Okay. Okay. Chill. I have two options here: I can try to hide it until we finish or I can point it out, pretend to be disgusted, and blame the poo smear on him. I should brace myself, first. He’s about to get super defensive.”

“What if there were a TV channel that only played security camera footage of what's going on inside Mississippi's hottest urban nightclubs? That’d be tight. I'd watch the shit out of that.”

“Would we really need Emma Stone if Brittany Murphy were still alive? I guess not, huh?

“If his boyfriend comes home early, he’ll probably kill us both. How embarrassing would that be!? Gunned down in this shitty duplex with practically no art on the walls — in Kenner of all places! Welp, it’s already in. Guess we’re just throwing caution to the wind here."

“I’m tired of spending so much time deciding on a spirit animal. I just want someone to tell me!”

“Golly. That’s an interesting haircut for a wiener.”

“Josh! No, not Josh. Why do I always jump to Josh first? I don’t even know that many Joshes! Maybe it’s Charlie. No, no, no it’s not Charlie. I would remember if his name is Charlie. Charlie sounds like your cute, affable fat friend. I bet every single Charlie is funny. Hmmm. Maybe it’s one of those painfully generic names that says my parents didn't even try. Like Joseph, or James, or Michael. Like a biblical name! But man, I don’t think that’s right, either. Is it one of those names that only sound right on a little boy? Like Bobby, or Tyler, or Scottie. Nah. Don’t think so. Well at least it’s not something like Shaun, or Brent, or Landon. Oh my God! What if his name is super white-trashy like Junior, or Dusty, or Keith?! That would be hysterical. Alright, alright. Think! This is important. As soon as he cums, we have to rejoin the world and talk to each other like humans. Fuck, what if it’s something cool like Nolan, or Linus, or Ollie? Wait! No, no, no. I’m so stupid! It’s Ryan! His name is Ryan. We have the same name. I’m so glad I solved this Da Vinci Code. Jeez Louise, that was an ordeal. Hold on. Is his name Louise?!”

“A hip tattoo? Really bro?”

“You know what this moment is missing? A slow LeAnn Rimes song.

“And where the fuck has LeAnn Rimes been?! She two-timed her husband and then she went away. Wait. Was that her or Shania Twain? Oh, shit! You know what this moment it missing? You’re Still The One.”

“So this is what being a girl feels like. Meh. Don’t hate it. Don’t love it.”

“Wow. I’m someone’s child. That’s devastating."

“Oh, this guy’s on glue. I am not putting that miniature-size wang in my mouth. It’s like a lil’ midge ding-dong! Boo, do not put me in a position where I have to pretend like I’m enjoying myself. On the other hand, I’ve lied a lot tonight. Guess I can feign interest for a little bit longer...”

“Did this motherfucker just fall asleep?! Ugh. Thank God.”

“I love laying on my stomach. Laying on my stomach has got to be one of my most favorite things to do! But this whole jamming a wiener into my butt thing is mostly terrible.”

Look how far we've come, my baby.