Between Boyfriends

Hello, handsome gentleman or foxy lady!

Welcome to Between Boyfriends, an online community for the newly single and the lonely lifers.

Here, we believe that every break-up is a new beginning — a chance to sidestep all those dark, abysmal post-break-up potholes and forge a new trail on your lone journey into the imminent sunrise.

We’re all about taking you outside your own head and taking you on exciting, insightful adventures for one. Because he can’t hurt you when you’re hang gliding over Pensacola Beach, can he? Of course he can’t! You’re up in the sky and he’s down on the ground where insensitive bastards belong. You’re soaring through the clouds like the majestic songbird you are, and his big fat ass is probably still sinking into his piss-stained loveseat while he crams Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos into his stupid face.

At Between Boyfriends, we are dedicated to making life after your break-up as fulfilling as possible. After a speedy damage assessment, our team of professionals will develop a strategy for healing, which may include solo experiences like a sightseeing tour in a city you’ve never been to before, or a reservation for one at a fancy restaurant that your shitpile exboyfriend would never set foot in. Speaking of which, we ensure that you’ll never run into that dickless mama’s boy on any of your Between Boyfriends outings. That’s because we always have someone following him around. Once you sign up, we track down your former lover where he lives and we monitor his every move. And if there’s ever a chance of him coming your way, we’ll orchestrate an elaborate sudden turn of events that shifts your plans into another direction. And we guarantee you’ll never notice.

Think of us as your Consolation Consultants — from the moment he stops answering your desperate, mid-day texts to the first time you have sex with another man and feel something. We’re here for that period of your life when all those butterflies in your chest are dead. When you’re suffering alternating tidal swells of loss and failure. We’re here to rip you out of your pillow and comforter cocoon and put you in the front row of an Aimee Mann concert! Did you know she’s touring right now? Well, she is and you’re going to be there for a night of somber, recession-era doom folk rock in the dark with a whole bunch of single people just like you. This might sound awful, but trust us: nothing makes you feel like you’re really working shit out like a room full of broken hearts, a plastic cup full of white wine, and soul-crushing acoustic ballads from the Mann herself. Try not to have a cigarette after that. It’s nearly impossible.

The point is, Between Boyfriends helps you cope without you realizing you’re coping. We understand that all men are assholes, and we want you to know their malfunction doesn’t mean you have to shuffle around feeling fractured. So don’t worry, gorgeous. You’ll get ‘em next time. And eventually, someone’s gonna get up in you again.

In the mean time, call or live chat with one of our Consolation Consultants and we’ll schedule a damage assessment, wherein we ask questions and dig through your trashcans and call history while you try to hide his leftover boxer briefs from us in the freezer. And whether you’re a hysterical gay gentleman or a sad, broken, heterosexual woman, we ask that you please keep the crying to a minimum during our assessment.

Because you’re about to take yourself out on a series of solo dates and you’re going to need that eyeliner later.