Just A Quick Note

Sometimes, the notes I take in my phone are way more interesting than any piece of writing that I might labor over. The following is a selection of stray thoughts that may cause severe boners.

Live every day like it's your bachelorette party in Vegas.

Hey, if you watch more than five minutes of Dance Moms, you develop what physicians call Permanent Noodle Dick (PND).

I could totally angryfuck to every song on Yeezus.

Create a series of greeting cards that all say "I Blame You" on the cover. Perfect for Father's Day, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, or condolences.

Watch Mermaids: The Body Found on Animal Planet. Now.

Is Guy Fieri actually the guy from Smash Mouth?

LMFTO (Laughing My Fucking Tits Off)

If I see you wearing an untucked button-down with a tie, I swear to God I will hit you public. I'm looking at you, North Louisiana gays.

Use spit. It'll fit.

Buy a bar. Name it Public School.

Is God lonely?

Velveeta Shells & Cheese is the easy way out, Mom.

Apparently, I fake it with hairdressers.

This morning, I had to pick up two condoms off my floor from two separate occasions. I'm disgustingly cool.

Poem for my boner:

Ahoy, old chum. You’ve grown up fast.

Since morning have I seen you last.

Across my balls, your shadow cast.

I am the ship. And you, my mast.

I have not fathered lass or gent,

Though I feel paternal sentiment.

For you, my little pole-of-tent,

My love for you knows no extent.

But like a father, I will know

The disappointing, crushing blow

That comes whenever you don’t show.

But rest assured, I’ll let it go.

And sometimes when you do show up,

It’s not the time, my eager pup.

Into my waistband, you’ll turn up.

Next time, I’ll maybe wear a cup.

Nothings says "down to fuck" like a shark tooth necklace.

From Kroll's Show: "Excuse me baby? Are you 9/11?"

[Pause]

"Because I could never forget you."

He's giving me Little Facebook Boners (LFB).

Black people love making up nicknames for themselves, don't they?

Why do people go to college to study landscape architecture, again?

When I see a picture of three gays together, I immediate decide which two have already slept together.

This buffalo sauce isn't going to shotgun itself.

Say girl, you want some fries to go wit that dick?

"My friends from Los Angles are in town and I'm going to meet them at a bar in the Warehouse District," is the coolest sentence I've ever said.

I just farted and the force could've easily knocked down a toddler.

Moral is just oral with a little mmmmm.

Send money to thepuppychannel.com.

I can barely function as a human, let alone a top.

Valentine's Day Card concept:

[Front of card] "This Is An NSA Valentine's Day Card."

[Interior of card] "There's absolutely nothing you have to do for me. Just enjoy it. Just lay back and enjoy it."

Think with your guts. Not your nuts.

Mary Poppins. Is she like a witch or something? Why don't we ever go the bottom of that in the story And why don't they do a movie where we explore the source of her magical abilities?

I've screwed half the people in this bar. It's like I'm having gayjà vu.