Even though I’ve been known to play the role of the villain in my relationships, I’d like to think of myself as a relatively decent person. I’m polite to the checkout girls at Rouse’s and I’m generally kind to strangers — especially when they’re really cute, male, and standing within groping distance. I may be a godless daywalker, thanks to my red hair, freckles, and fair skin, but I’ve got a heart, dammit. Ginger or not, I can be a regular youth minister sometimes. You figure out what that means.
Now that I’ve presented my defense for having a soul swimming around inside me, I’d like to clarify that it’s not much of one. My bad nature dominates most of my demeanor and makes me an excellent candidate for an all-male Mean Girls reinterpretation. I’d play Regina George. But maybe in this production, I’d be named Reggie to better identify my gender. I’d be Reggie George, King of the Plastics. Except my power wouldn’t come from my superficial ideals. I would just be the meanest douche in all of my mostly white, co-ed public high school.
And all I would need for my audition would me a list of mean things I’d said before. Maybe it’s a list of the bitchiest things that I’ve said to guys. Or better yet, exboyfriends! I’d prepare a quick, effortless monologue lifted from an actual argument I’d had with a past boyfriend and punctuate it with one of my most callous comments on the list. I would sit in the hallway while the other guys pranced in and out of the auditorium and list the 20 bitchiest things that I’ve actually said to men that I’ve dated, and then I'd number them according to level of cruelty. And the list would look something like:
20. I'd rather go to a Nickelback concert than relive this date with you.
19. At least people want to have sex with me. Can't say the same for you, jackass.
18. You're new boyfriend is obviously cheating on you and it's probably worth it for him.
17. Everything about you looks like a muppet.
16. You've slept with more people than me. That makes you Emperor of Whores.
15. You fucking deserve this.
14. It's like a penis, only smaller.
13. I'm sure the trailer park you grew up in was beautiful.
12. You're the fattest person to ever speak to me that way.
11. You're just bad at sex because you were a virgin when we met and there's nothing I can do to fix you.
10. You're crazy like your mother.
9. I hope one of those guys in Europe fucked up your immune system.
8. I can't hear you through those fucked up teeth.
7. As a matter of fact, I'm not really sure who gave me these scratches.
6. You went to public school. Fucking gross.
5. You are the fucking Antichrist.
4. Well, if your dad wasn't facedown in some halfway house, I'm sure he'd be very disappointed in you.
3. I'd rather shoot myself in the dick than marry you.
2. Yeah, well at least I have parents.
1. No one will ever fuck you and love you at the same time.
And when I scream “No one will ever fuck you and love you at the same time!” at my invisible boyfriend under the gelled stage lights, the producers would collectively gasp and shutter in their high-backed chairs. And one would whisper to another, “I think we’ve found our Reggie!” And I would humbly smile as if I hadn’t heard him, thank them for the opportunity, and briskly strut towards stage left, disappearing behind the curtain and silently expressing gratitude for the guys who’ve dated me and lived to talk about it.