Tuesday, July 28, 2015

All the Men Who Never Had Sex with You


There's something you should know.

Very far away, there's a planet in a galaxy you'll never find. And on this planet there's a single chunk of land in the middle of an endless sea. And on this tiny, jungled continent live all the men who never had sex with you.

You haven't heard of this before because it's kind of a secret. Because if someone had told you years ago that every man who turned you down or never gave you a shot in the first place was taken against their will to an alien planet lightyears away, you'd probably be an entirely different person. You'd probably be a lot more secure in your weight and in the imperfections of your smile. Who knows? You might even have a better job!

But still, you can take comfort in the fact that you live in a world where every man who agreed to sleep with you is still around and all the men who haven't slept with you haven't had the opportunity to say "No."

This planet, the one on which every man who never had sex with you lives, is called Urloss and it's not so bad. Every morning when the sun comes up, the boy to whom you wrote poetry for in the 7th grade goes fishing with the most handsome guy from your high school drama club. When the winds are calm, the lifeguard from 4H Camp wades into the surf to collect exotic shells in solitude. And every evening at sunset, the nice frat boy from that bar you used to go to freshman year with the impossibly chisel chest pulls out his guitar and plays the same set of Oasis, Aimee Mann, Sublime, and Jack Johnson, before closing with "Amber" by 311 and shuffling off to bed.

Members of this tribe vary in age and have virtually nothing in common except one thing: None of them ever had sex with you.

Just like they did on their home planet, the heavy drinkers still drink heavily on Urloss. Except here, they're drinking an emerald-colored root sludge that lets them see sounds. These are all the men you met out in bars. Each one has his own story, but they collectively end in you getting turned down. So rest assured they're way out beyond the stars — shrinking their balls with alien sludge.

The guys who never responded to your messages online make up an entire village on the west end of Urloss. They have many sub-factions based on the social network on which you met them, but they still show solidarity as a unit. They try to stay busy. They're just really busy.

Remember your friend for whom you developed feelings? Serious feelings? Feelings that were never reciprocated? Well, he's here too. Yeah, that kind of sucks. I know you loved him, but it's probably good for your "friendship" if there are millions of miles of permanent distance between you. And look on the bright side: His "Friend Zone" can't extend all the way back to Earth, where you can enjoy going to a movie without the fear of running into him. Ever again.

On clear nights when all three moons are visible, the guy who excused himself to the restroom in the middle of your first date and never came back, likes to perch on the edge of a high cliff and think about jumping. He sits with his eyes closed and pictures himself scooting just a couple inches forward before pushing off with his palms and throwing his body onto the cluster of bayonet-shaped rocks below — finally giving him the escape he wants. You know he doesn't deserve this, but it's exactly the punishment you imagined when he left you alone at Tsunami with the bill and an "Oh, honey..." from the waitress, spoken with genuine sadness.

You're probably wondering if any of these guys think about you or talk about you amongst each other. But the truth is, they don't even know why they've been taken to Urloss. They haven't yet discovered the common thread that binds them and they probably never will. So needless to say, the topic of you never comes up. But don't be greedy. You've got a whole planet of men who wanted to fuck you or don't know they want to fuck you yet. Which means you have a 100% closing rate among men you wanted to fuck. It's perfect.

And you're perfect.

Just ask anyone.