I can be fairly creative with my words. But not in the bedroom; where my language is pretty much limited to “Yes,” “Fuck,” “God,” and “Shit.”
And sometimes, “Ouch.”
And one time, “HUHHH?!”
It isn't because I’m not quick on my back — I’m having a genuine experience and I’ve got a million things I want to say. But all that comes out are curse words or affirmations of consent. And frankly, part of me is terrified of saying something embarrassing.
What if I start to say, “Aww yeah that feels really good,” but it comes out like, “Aww yeah my dick’s having a blast inside your annoying mouth right now.” Because maybe that’s what I’m really thinking and maybe that thought could become an audible sentence. My brain will often lag behind my mouth when I’m excited — causing stutters and compulsive outbursts. So I keep my verbal reactions to single-word expletives or moans, which are also conservative.
I’ve taken chances, though. I’ve tried to be sexy and in-the-moment. One time, I was having sex with my exboyfriend and I enthusiastically said, “Oh yeah, pound my little gay hole.” And then he stopped. And then there was silence. And then he laughed in my face. So then I started laughing because he was laughing, but I didn’t think anything was funny at all. I just wanted him to leave so I could drink that memory into a fuzzy black chunk that never happened. And I never said the words, gay hole, ever again.
Just kidding, I say it all the time because it’s hilarious.
Being truthful with my emotions hasn’t fared well, either. One time, in the middle of sleeping with this 22-year-old, I reached over and switched on my reading light. “Why’d you do that?” he asked. And before I could make something up, the truth came out: “Because you’re beautiful and I want to see your face.” Charming, right? Well he just stared at me. And instead of banging him out with confidence, I immediately lost my erection and shame-ate half a pizza after he left.
Have you ever met someone you just can’t be cool around? Well that’s how I feel with pretty much everyone I sleep with. So I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut. I’ve learned to just be in the moment and to focus on all the wonderful physical and cerebral benefits of sex. And I’ve learned to rely on my underdeveloped physique and my improvised, erratic body movements.
And — of course — my gay hole.
Gay hole. Hilarious.